Our Gemara on Amud Aleph relates a story where “that certain elder” (likely Eliyahu Hanavi) admonished Rabbi Meir to avoid a particular kind of wine. Eliyahu Hanavi cites a verse from Mishley (23:2): “And put a knife to your throat, if you are a man given to appetite [a Baal Nefesh].”

The poshut pshat meaning of the word “Baal Nefesh” is a person of great appetite (see Rashi ibid). A good parallel word in French would be Bon Vivant, someone who enjoys and indulges in life’s pleasures. The verse is saying, if you know yourself to tend toward gluttony and lust, curb your desires and imagine a knife to your throat. Some people do actually eat or drink themselves to death, so this is not a bad metaphor.

However, the Midrashic translation of the word Baal Nefesh (see Targum ibid), and commonly used in rabbinic literature, is a person who has mastery over his soul. Instead of Baal connoting ownership of physical life and pleasures, it connotes mastery and regulation of the physical drives.

Ohr Hachaim (Devarim 31:1) takes this even further. A Baal Nefesh, master of the soul, is literally one who owns a soul. He says an evil person loses his soul through his depravity, and is dying even while he is alive. On the other hand, a holy person is so thoroughly connected to his soul that he can feel it. He says, Moshe knew he was going to die because he already felt his soul leaving 40 days prior. This is the meaning of the verse (ibid) “And Moshe went (away)” — a key part of Moshe had left him and he sensed it.

Most people are not on the level of Baaley Nefesh, but even the vernacular captures some sense of connection to self or loss of self. People say, “I need to find myself.” This speaks of an awareness of when we are connected to who we really are and when we disassociate or deny our core. To get along with others and in human social and psychological development, there is some need to suppress and sacrifice self needs for others. The issue is when it happens to an extreme or if it is also internalized as a rejection of a person’s essence. When parents or authorities impose rules and discipline on children in a harsh, discounting manner, the attitude can imply “You don’t count” or “Your needs or sense of self don’t count.” However, strong discipline is not a contradiction to recognizing and showing respect for the subordinate’s feelings and perspectives. The Rambam, when describing the appropriate relationship with a slave, says “one should speak gently and hear his complaints.” (Laws of Servants 9:8.) This is what is ethical in regard to a slave, who in the ancient world had few rights and was of the lowest caste. How much more so should we treat our family members.