Our Gemara on this daf continues a discussion of case law where important information was allegedly withheld prior to marriage and discovered later.  In yesterday's Psycholgy of the Daf, we discussed the obligations of others to reveal information. Continuing this theme, we will discuss the halachos and psychology of self-disclosure of flaws prior to marriage.

There is a Teshuva of Rav Moshe Feinstein regarding a young woman who was sexually active prior to marriage, and she wanted to know if she had to reveal this information to her potential chosson (שו"ת אגרות משה אורח חיים חלק ד סימן קיח). Rav Moshe ruled that she must reveal this information but should follow these guidelines:

• This information is private and there is no value in telling others about this personal flaw — only tell the person you wish to marry.
• Do not discuss this early in the dating process.  Wait until it is clear that there is intention to marry.  Presumably, Rav Moshe meant when the dating becomes “serious”, that is, when there is indication that the parties are interested in marriage and now want to start sharing more practical and detailed information, not merely the second before he proposes.  
• She should contextuallize the past misdeeds, i.e., it happened one time, and her feelings got the better of her, and she repented etc.  It seems from the context that Rav Moshe was recommending a small amount of “airbrushing”, allowing her to minimize the extent of her transgression.
• Rav Moshe offered her encouragement: Since she is revealing the flaw after he has gotten to know her, he will see her strengths and good qualities and not allow this issue from the past to hold him back from marrying her.

We can extrapolate from this responsum that significant flaws must be revealed, but strategically.  They should be disclosed only when there is sufficient knowledge about the person’s whole character and after there seems to be a serious likelihood of proposal.  It also seems that one does not have to give over the flaw in its most ugly detail, and can be slightly minimized so long as the key information is given.  I would add, given what we learned in yesterday’s Psychology of the Daf from Rav Menashe Klein’s psak, if asked directly about something, one is absolutely obligated to give the total and unvarnished truth. Rav Moshe was talking about information that she volunteered, unsolicited. If afterwards, he chooses to ask more detail, I don’t believe it is permitted to lie.

I must stress that not everything that is permitted is wise. Meaning to say, even if halakha technically permits one to withhold information, the implications in establishing and maintaining trust and intimacy could be devastating. If a spouse finds out years and tears later that important information was withheld, it is cold comfort to hear the excuse, “But I asked daas Torah.” Let me offer two examples of how badly this can go. 

There is an accepted idea that if a person has certain mental health challenges, but does not take medication, it is not considered serious enough to reveal. This is probably based on the Chofetz Chaim’s Shmiras Halashon guidelines (9 Rechilus and examples afterwards) that we discussed in yesterday’s Psychology of the Daf.

Here is an example of how following these halachos to the letter of the law can lead to trouble.  There is a contingent of people who resist taking helpful medication, because taking medication is considered the red line between having to reveal or not reveal mental illness.  This leads to the ironic and foolish situation of some people being far more symptomatic and ill, losing years of personal development and function so that they can say, “My illness is not serious enough to take medication.”  Of course, logically this is nonsense.  The person who is not taking medication may be more ill and more dysfunctional than the person who has taken medication for years, and now is stable and met many academic and social challenges in life successfully.

Another scenario is sharing past behaviors after repentance.  Consider a person who used to smoke but quit several years ago.  Or a person who was looking at pornography but has quit and now is clean for a year.  From a halakhic perspective, these sins are in the past and no longer relevant.  Yet, given the decent chance that in times of stress there can be regression, how will your spouse feel when he or she finds out that this was not a new problem?  Secondly, problems like addictions and compulsions are fueled on shame and secrecy.  Not being able to share challenges and urges with a spouse who could be a support and friend is a lost opportunity. Additionally, keeping any shameful secret can lead to a barriers in intimacy, shame, lack of confidence, self sabotage. Furthermore, the spouse too may feel that something is missing, leading to other kinds of withdrawal or lack of trust.

So keep in mind, getting a heter for something is not the same as being given good advice.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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