Our Gemara on Amud Beis tells about the fate of one Mishmar of cohanim, known as Bilga. The entire group of Cohanim was shunned due to the actions of one daughter, whom we might call the Original OTD Kid. She ran off with a gentile soldier, and upon the Greek occupation of the Temple Mount, she kicked the altar with her sandal, and said , “Lukos, Lukos (Greek for wolf, wolf), until when will you consume the property of the Jewish people, and yet you do not stand with them in their time of need!”  

The Gemara wonders why her family had to suffer for her actions, and the reason offered is that whatever you hear a child say in the marketplace, comes from either her father or mother. That is, the blasphemous words about the altar uttered by this woman could ultimately be traced to similar resentful and cynical comments she heard from her parents. 

This Gemara runs against the current narrative that tries to soften the shame and anger parents of not so frum kids feel, by suggesting that it’s not the parents’ fault. Actually, I think it is appropriate NOT to blame parents for how their children turn out, not because they are always blameless, but rather because it’s cruel and destructive. Parents of kids who go OTD suffer plenty of shame and embarrassment; they need to have open hearts and open minds to manage their child’s emerging circumstances. The last thing they need is scorn and blame. It’s also considered ona’as devarim to imply that someone is suffering because of their sins, according to Gemara Bava Metzi’a (58b) even though obviously it can be potentially true. If so, it’s similarly taunting and hurtful to imply that a child’s lack of morality is due to the parents’ poor upbringing. 

But what do we make of this Gemara? After all, the entire Mishmar, including the parents, were publicly shunned for the actions of this one wayward daughter!

The resolution is obvious if you pay close attention to the details of the story. The reason for the shunning was NOT about her going OTD, nor even her doing the equivalent of getting tattoos and running off on a motorcycle with a Greek soldier. Yetzer Hora is Yetzer Hora, and the rabbis could accept that in every time and place there will be people who cannot withstand the temptations of a free secular life. For that, the parents could not be blamed. The parents were blamed for her disrespectful and blasphemous speech. Those kinds of words, the rabbis assessed, could only have come from a cynical heretical home.

However, we have another instance in Chazal where the parents are shamed for a daughter’s disgraceful behavior. In regard to the young maiden who commits adultery during the betrothal period (נערה מאורסה), the punishment takes place by the entrance to the parents home, “as though to say: See this child you have brought up!” (Kesuvos 45a). This is still more the exception than the rule. The young maiden, נערה, represents a specific window in time, where she is still not a full adult (ibid). Once she is 6 months past the physical signs that show she is a bas mitzvah, she no longer has the status of Na’arah. Rather she is called a bogeres. At that point, the parents are no longer shamed for her actions and choices.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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