I once saw a dentist whose tagline was, “If you ignore your teeth, don’t worry, they will go away and stop bothering you.“ I think the same might be said about relationships.
The Gemara on Amud Aleph describes a process by which the Shekhina gradually withdrew from the Jewish people, as a result of their sins.
The Gemara elaborates. The Divine Presence traveled ten journeys, as derived from verses. The ten journeys are: From the Ark cover to the cherub; and from one cherub to the other cherub; and from the second cherub to the threshold of the Sanctuary; and from the threshold to the courtyard; and from the courtyard to the altar; and from the altar to the roof; and from the roof to the wall of the Temple Mount; and from the wall to the city; and from the city to a mountain close to Jerusalem; and from that mountain to the wilderness; and from the wilderness it ascended and rested in its place in Heaven, isolated from humanity, as it is stated: “I will go and return to My place” (Hosea 5:15).
Eichah Rabbah Pesikta 25 compares this to a king who is retreating from his castle, who stops at each point and forlornly kisses the walls and door posts as he says goodbye. I think this Gemara is a Poignant reminder of the slow deterioration that can occur in any loving relationship, including a marriage. Let us look into the process of marriage deterioration:
According to researchers Cordova and Blair:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4115001/
Studies also show that for people who divorced but never sought couple therapy, the top reason given was the belief that it was too late to make a difference (Wolcott, 1986). A major reason for this delay may be the process involved in the decision to attend couple therapy, which appears to involve three phases: 1) recognizing the problem, 2) considering therapy, and 3) taking steps to engage in treatment (Doss, Atkins, & Christensen, 2003). Even the first stage only occurs after the relationship has been deteriorating for some time. Couples often do not self-identify as “distressed” until negative interactions have accumulated past a cognitive tipping point and serious relationship damage has occurred (e.g., Gottman, 1994). Thus, there is a substantial need for early detection and preventative care for deteriorating couples before serious and irreversible relationship damage has occurred.
There are a number of validated questionnaires and assessment tools that are used to help measure strengths and weaknesses in relationships. I will highlight some of these thought provoking questions that are typically asked:
In the Intimate Safety Questionnaire, developed by the Clark University Center for Couples and Families, questions such as these are asked.
When I am with my partner I feel safe and comfortable.- I feel threatened when my partner tells me I have done something to upset him/her.
- When my partner and I meet at the end of the day, I feel tense and anxious.
- It makes me uncomfortable for my partner to disagree with me.
- When I need to cry I go to my partner
- I feel uncomfortable disagreeing with my partner when we are with other people.
- When I have thoughts or feelings that are vague or uncertain, I find it helpful to talk with my partner.
- In public, I feel like I’m in danger of being “put down” by my partner.
- When I’m upset, there are other people that I would rather talk to than my partner.
- I avoid having sex with my partner.
- When I am with my partner I feel anxious, like I’m walking on eggshells.
- It’s hard to apologize to my partner when I’ve done something wrong.
No marriage is perfect, however if these questions trigger a sense that there are more unhealthy than healthy patterns, AND that there is not much ongoing process to improve it, it may be time to go for help. Just as the Shekhina did not leave in one day, but gradually ebbed away, so too a marriage can die slowly. The fact that it is slowly disappearing is a warning, not a reason to take too much time to address the problem.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
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