Our Gemara on Amud Aleph observes:

⁦The verse states: “And the king removed his ring from his hand” (Esther 3:10). Rabbi Abba bar Kahana said: The removal of Ahasuerus’s ring for the sealing of Haman’s decree was more effective than the forty-eight prophets and the seven prophetesses who prophesied on behalf of the Jewish people. As, they were all unable to return the Jewish people to the right way, but the removal of Ahasuerus’s ring returned them to the right way, since it brought them to repentance.

Aside from the obvious lesson that sometimes people will only repent at the last minute in the most dire straits, I see the Gemara hinting at a different kind of last minute repentance, repentance in marriage:

A strong marriage is built on the emotional independence of each party, so that they have the right amount of ahava and yir’a to respect each others’ boundaries.  Many people are bullied emotionally (and physically) by a spouse, because, deep down the other spouse knows he or she “ain’t never leaving.”  Then, when the threshold reaches a point the person truly cannot tolerate it, they leave or have an affair, or a nervous breakdown, and the problems finally get discussed.  But then it is often too late to easily repair and rekindle trust and love.

Fear of divorce leads people to avoid making constructive changes, having sober and mature dialogue about roles, expectations, disappointments and facing unacceptable but necessary thoughts and feelings.  This avoidance leads to marriages that are “brain dead”, and perhaps halachically it is arguably permissible to “pull the plug”.

Perhaps this is what our Gemara is hinting at when it says, “Achashverosh’s removal of his signet ring did more to bring the Jews back to Hashem and teshuva than all of the 48 prophets and 7 prophetesses.”  The point being, only when the Jews felt they were in dire danger, only then did they finally take stock of their behavior and relationship with God to heart and repaired it.  Only when the spouse “removes the ring” and truly shows the independence of spirit and willingness to divorce, only then does the other spouse get the message and begin to reform his or her ways.

People can make healthier, more adaptive choices, despite their pathology.  When people try new patterns of behavior and they work out well, they become reinforcing.  This can help people change their behavior and their thinking.  Marriages are developmental processes that allow people to change.  Though it won’t work if they don’t have the motivation, they can’t be motivated if  they do not have the right information and direction.  If they are at the very least be open to the possibility that they are “wrong” and need to change their thinking, even people with personality disorders can at times see their illogic and distortions. Also, it helps if they “hit bottom” and are suffering terribly.  They may need individual therapy to reduce their reactivity and heal past traumas and tremendous willpower.  But they can change, and it is worth it.  The love that comes after a repair is deeper and more meaningful, much as Chazal tell us that baaley teshuva occupy a place that even tzadikkim cannot achieve.

I never tell clients whether they should be married or divorced. I do not let myself get overwhelmed by the horrible pain and stress because of one simple technique:  I tell them that if they choose to work on their marriage, I can only give them the tools to make the next right move.  Just one right move is all I can usually help them figure out.  Once that move is done, and the system reacts, we can figure out the next right move. This approach is very helpful and allows for a step by step recovery process.

Divorce can be compared to an amputation. Sometimes, if the infection has gone too far it’s necessary.  But it will hurt like horribly, it’s only a last resort, and there will be phantom pains.  Still, if it has to be done, to save a life, so be it.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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