Our Gemara on Amud Aleph quotes the famous verse in Devarim (10:12):

“And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you other than to fear the Lord your God”

The Gemara comments:

Rabbi Ḥanina said: Everything is in the hands of Heaven, except for fear of Heaven. The fact that God asks man only for one thing, to fear Him, indicates that it is the only thing that is in man’s ability to do. In other words, many of our environmental and physical circumstances are not under our control. How smart we are, where we live, our family members etc. However, how we relate to our circumstances, and if we use them as a means to serve God and draw close to God, is completely up to us.

As we have commented many times in Psychology of the Daf, the patterns of intimacy and connection that exist and are described between God and the Jewish people are mirrored in the intimacy and connection between husband and wife. 

Similarly, this very same notion applies. Meaning to say, there are very few things that we can control about our spouses. Often, the more we try to control them the worse the situation will become. However, we are in control of one thing, and that is how we relate to the circumstances. Whether we are going through good times or bad times, we are completely in control of how close, open, loving and collaborative we choose to be. When our spouses are doing things that are hurtful, or are going through difficult times, and maybe even are avoiding us, trying to control them is not going to make it better. Most of the time trying to fix them is not going to help. What we can do is connect and let them know that we want to love and be loved, see them and be seen, and work together to be as close as possible during whatever the difficulties and the challenges.

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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