How much exaggeration is normal when describing a Shidduch? How much should the person himself or herself disclose about flaws? How much should others? We will discuss these matters from a halakhic and psychological perspective over the next two dappim.
Our Gemara states that if a man married a woman who was previously married and maintained she was a virgin, even if it turns out that she wasn’t, the husband has no claim that the marriage was under false pretenses and should be dissolved. Tosafos on Amud Aleph explains the ruling as follows. The second husband does not really believe that a previously married woman could be a virgin, so even if witnesses testify to that fact, he takes it with a grain of salt. Why? He figures they were exaggerating in order to raise her esteem in the eyes of her suitor.
This is a pragmatic and interesting idea. Even if such falsehood might not be permitted, there is a de facto recognition that people exaggerate when it comes to providing information regarding Shidduchim.
Sefer Chassidim (507) states one must not hide information in Shidduchim about family members, when the flaws are serious enough that the person would not want to marry if he or she knew about it.
The Chofetz Chaim’s Shmiras Halashon provides guidelines for which information in Shidduchim to reveal (9 Rechilus and ציורים afterwards). I will select a few key points:
- It is not permitted to give negative information that would not be severe enough to break the Shidduch. There is no practical outcome so why give it over?
- Nor may one give information about character traits that may seem subjectively bad to you but could possibly be good to others. For example, someone who is exacting and meticulous. Is this clinical obsession and perfectionism, or admirable discipline?
- One also may not give negative information, even if objectively and severely negative, that would not stop the Shidduch anyhow.
- If there is reason to believe that each party in the Shidduch is being equally deceptive and dishonest about similar and related matters, there is no need to disclose. The example given by the Chofetz Chaim is if each party has a tendency to over promise various gifts and financial support.
- If the flaw is observable and obvious. Why tell the person if he or she can see and evaluate for himself? Something I wonder about is weight. I am not talking about if the person isn’t “model-thin”, since that is subjective and not universally a problem. As a therapist who has met thousands of couples I can testify that it is mind boggling what flaws can be manufactured and obsessed about. One spouse can be obsessed with being thin, and meanwhile their spouse resents that “she isn’t round enough, or too tiny.” What I wonder about is a person who is morbidly obese and you know the other party would not find that acceptable? According to the Chofetz Chaim’s guidelines, this should not be permitted since it is an obvious flaw that the person can see and evaluate for himself or herself. However, I wonder if given the expense and effort that people may put even into a first date, with some even having to travel, is it really fair to withhold that information? The information is not to prevent loss from a bad Shidduch but to prevent loss from spending time and money on a date that is almost surely not what the person is looking for. This cause of loss is not obvious or apparent. I think it should be permitted, as the Chofetz Chaim’s guidelines might not have taken into account the financial loss of a wasted date, as there may have been different customs regarding dating. Ask your local posek on that one.
Aside from the above, the Chofetz Chaim also lists several conditions that must be met in order to reveal information, even if it meets the other criteria above:
- You must not exaggerate
- You cannot reveal minor ordinary illnesses. It must be a serious, systemic illness
- Your motivations must be absolutely pure, with no feelings of resentment or jealousy
- If the information is not first hand, or there is reason to believe that the status changed, you should merely indicate that you have heard such and such and it is worth investigating, without indicating absolute sureness if it is true.
However, other poskim (for example, Rav Menashe Klein Mishne Halachos 12:278) hold that if a person asks you explicitly about a particular feature or trait, even if it is not something that others would mind, you must answer honestly. You do not have to volunteer such information, but indeed when asked directly, Rav Klein says it is even forbidden to hedge and say, “I don’t know.” Rav Klein says, this is a lie, because, in fact, you DO know.
The halachos of what to reveal in Shidduchim is sensitive and complex, and the information in this article should not be taken as the final halakhic word. Rather it should be talking points to sensitize you to know what to ask of your personal posek.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation 
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