Dear Therapist:

We brought up our children simply and we tried to keep them pretty sheltered. Baruch Hashem many are married and have turned out well. One of our teenage boys has decided he was deprived and has now gone completely the opposite way where he says he needs everything he didn't have. Clothes, scooters, electronics, nothing bad per se, but definitely not how he was raised. We have been discussing with his rabbeim where to draw the line with him and on their advice, we have been more accepting in allowing him to have certain things. There are a few issues here. One, my wife still hasn't really bought in and she is constantly making comments to him. Two, he spends what I think everyone would agree is a ridiculous amount of money. He recently bought himself a 300 dollar tie! Keep in mind we are a chinuch family. So I understand he may need a bit more then my other kids (though I am not sure why), but how do we explain to him what is within the bounds of normalcy and what is not?

Response:

It seems that you are dealing with differences in perspective more than anything else. Although your son’s needs seem to be over the top, you are willing to recognize that there is another point of view to be considered.

You mentioned that you have been more accepting of your son’s “needs,” following the advice of his rabbeim. But you then refer to the ridiculous amount of money that he spends. Between these two statements, you mention your wife’s trouble accepting what you have ostensibly accepted yourself. 

I wonder whether you haven’t really accepted the fact that your son should be afforded luxuries that your other children haven’t. Or, are you conflating your wife’s perspective with your own? Specifically, are you conflicted within yourself or are you relating to your wife’s perspective in order to be “on her side?”

With regard to the relationships and conflicts within your family, I cannot weigh in specifically. However, in many cases the rule of thumb is to allow each relationship (and each conflict) its own space. For instance, if your wife makes a comment about one of your son’s purchases, this can be between the two of them.

Naturally, there are times when not getting involved can cause a problem. In these instances, it is important to weight the benefits of keeping your own counsel against those of intervening (typically taking sides). Becoming involved, however, can often lead to increased (rather than decreased) friction.

I don’t know whether the money that your son is spending is his or yours. Aside from the obvious, practical, differences, there are other aspects that should be considered. It is very easy for someone to spend others’ money. They tend to be more judicious when they have a stake in the matter.

If your son is spending his own money, I understand your concern, but he may need to learn the lessons of financial spending on his own. Since his source of funds is limited, he will need to decide which items are important to him. Over time, his spending practices will hopefully mature.

If, however, your son is spending your money, there is little incentive for him to curtail his spending. There is no specific limit, and there is no consequence for overspending.

I don’t know whether your son has any source of income or savings. If he does, you might consider a system within which he contributes a percentage toward any purchases that you allow. Whether or not he has his own funds, it is important for him to develop a sense of responsibility with regard to spending.

Instead of purchasing individual items as he demands them, perhaps you could determine an appropriate weekly (or monthly) allowance. This could achieve two purposes. Firstly, if your wife and you can agree to this allowance amount, and your son agrees that this is in the place of specific purchases, this can relieve much of the tension that exists between the three of you. Secondly, this gives your son control over his own funds, which will help him to make better spending choices.

Perhaps there can be specific chores that are attached to any allowance, further giving your son a sense of responsibility as well as a better appreciation of the value of money. Regardless of the path that you choose, it is important that everyone involved is clear as to the rules and expectations. This can help everyone to put to rest any grievances and disagreements.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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