Dear Therapist:

My 7-year-old daughter seems to have an unusual temper. I understand it's normal for a kid that age to have tantrums but this is something else. She seems to have actual rage. It is also kind of hard to predict what sets her off. Sometimes she goes to school without a fuss and sometimes she will insist she isn't going and it turns into a huge fight. The "switch" seems to turn off as quickly and unpredictably. What works with our other kids, like talking things through, doesn't really get anywhere with her. She just doesn't have a lot to say. A friend of mine told me she is an "explosive child" but I don't think that is a real diagnosis. Teachers don't seem to have an issue with her so this is primarily a home issue (though I have seen it with her friends as well). I would appreciate if you could give me some ideas that could point in the right direction to help. 

Response:

Dealing with children can be draining. This is especially so when faced with a situation that appears to have no explanation. This can lead to frustration and uncertainty. When we are faced with a situation in which a child seems to be acting in un unpredictable manner, it can make parents feel helpless and apprehensive.

I don’t know when your daughter began to throw tantrums. Nor do I know the duration or specific nature of these. I don’t know whether they typically occur at a particular time of day, or whether they occur when a particular person is present—or absent. I don’t know whether there is another common factor that is less obvious.

You mentioned that you have tried talking things through, but I don’t know whether your daughter can be distracted once a tantrum is full-blown—or at the first signs of a tantrum. I don’t know whether you are purposefully ignoring the initial signs that often lead to a tantrum, perhaps in a specific attempt to distract her—and whether this ever works.

I don’t know how generally aware your daughter is of the fact that she has these tantrums, or of her sense as to whether they are acceptable. I don’t know if her negative behavior is ever rewarded or reinforced in some way. Reward can include parents giving in (even to a small degree and even intermittently). Or reward can simply be parental attention (even negative attention can be a reinforcer for many children).

I don’t know what remedies have been attempted—whether positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, punishment, or a combination has been tried. If so, I don’t know how consistent these were, for how long they were attempted, or to what degree they were successful.

Clearly, I have many questions. I don’t know if you have asked yourself these, or other, questions. Often, the reason that people have trouble finding answers is that they are not asking the right questions. If your questions are simply, “Why does my daughter have tantrums?” and “Why doesn’t she respond when we try to talk things through?” it can certainly seem that there are no answers.

Rather than simply looking for simple solutions, I think you would do better to look for the appropriate questions. “What is bothering my daughter?” “Is she upset about something at school, but finds it easier (more acceptable) to throw tantrums at home?” Of course, these are my questions. Since you know your daughter, the questions that you identify are likely to be more on the mark. The first step, however, it to place yourself in an inquisitive frame of mind in which your goal is to understand your daughter’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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