Dear Therapist:

My husband and I have a wonderful marriage baruch Hashem. We share the same goals and are overall very much on the same page. One area where we keep having arguments is regarding finances. I am much more of a saver and a planner and he has an attitude of "we will figure it out." This is the kind of thing that keeps coming up again and again in our marriage and we just don't seem to have a path that works things out. I feel like we are just squeaking by and should be more careful and he just doesn't seem to care about that. What about the future? Like I said, most other things we can work out pretty well but we get stuck on this one. Any ideas? 

Response:

As we all know, relationships require communication. What many of us do not recognize is that communication is about more than just speaking.

In our relationships, we often become mired in patterns. Of course, some patterns are positive. We develop patterns for division of labor, for family get-togethers, and for appropriate reward and punishment.

However, some patterns can become problematic over time. This can be due to situational changes (like career changes or children growing older). Sometimes one person’s perspective changes while the other’s does not.

Sometimes, despite clear breakdowns in communication each side continues to act in the same old way, thus perpetuating the problematic communication pattern. This can be due to various factors, both logistical and emotional.

It seems that your communication pattern is generally positive. You mentioned that the two of you are in sync in most important areas. Perhaps, ironically, this positive communication pattern is hampering your ability to properly convey your feelings with regard to finances.

If your husband and you rarely argue, this may be because the two of you are truly compatible in many ways, and therefore share a belief system and have similar ideologies. This may have led to a communication pattern that is largely intellectual—focusing on conscious thoughts and beliefs.

With regard to finances, your husband and you appear to have differing thoughts. Therefore, perhaps your intellectual communication process does not address your feelings. Simply put, are you describing your fears to your husband? Are you explaining that not having proper savings makes you feel anxious and afraid for the future? Generally speaking, are you showing him your emotions?

Although you may have stated your case many times, as long as these discussions are intellectual in nature your husband may not perceive the emotional impact behind your argument; he may simply view these conversations as academic exchanges in which you each have an opinion. Showing him that you have concerns that affect you in a real way can change the nature of this discussion.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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