Dear Therapist:

I have been struggling for many years with my davening. Many times, I feel that if I only put enough emotion and feeling into my davening, I can get the results that I want. The problem is that forcing myself backfires. It's hard to concentrate on the meaning of the words when trying to create feelings. In my case, I wind up worrying all day about my relationship with Hashem, if I am a good person, and if I am a proper maamin. I discussed this with a mechaneches I am close with and she suggested I discuss it with a therapist. I would like to hear the panelists' perspective on this issue before proceeding. Thank you. 

Response:

You have the sense that if you were only to daven properly, you would get specific results. From my perspective, there are a few issues inherent in this statement. Firstly, you are assuming that your sense of what you need is what Hashem wants for you. Secondly, you believe that the capacity to obtain specific results lies within you. You therefore believe that if your davening  does not achieve the results that you want, this is your fault.

This can lead to a vicious cycle. You feel that only the results that you are seeking will prove that you are properly davening. If you do not obtain the results that you want, you believe that your davening is lacking. If your davening is lacking, you become anxious—leading to obsessive thoughts and trouble concentrating.

You are clearly suffering from obsessive thoughts (and likely compulsive behaviors). In addition to being intrusive and emotionally harmful, as you mentioned they will likely backfire preventing you from properly focusing. Your concerns about your relationship with Hashem and whether you’re a good person or a proper maamin appear to be direct manifestations of your assumptions and obsessions.

The concepts that I mentioned may be self-evident to others. They may even be evident to you—but only with regard to others. Or you may have convinced yourself that your obsessive thoughts are universally true. If you can recognize that your thoughts are not objectively logical, you may be able to begin challenging them. However, the tendency toward obsessive thoughts often persists even once specific obsessions have been resolved. Although you are referring to religious obsessions, you likely have obsessive thoughts in other areas as well. Even if your obsessions are currently largely limited to religion-related matters, resolving one can cause another to crop up.

It is therefore important to address your underlying thought process and causes for obsessive thinking. You should certainly see a therapist so that you can begin working on both specific obsessive thoughts and any obsessive tendencies.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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