Dear Therapist:

It is becoming clear that we are going to need to have our son who is now in 3rd grade go back to 2nd grade after Succos. He is too far behind and we can't provide the support that is necessary to help him maintain grade level. I am not sure how to break this news to him and how to help him so that this will not scar him emotionally or socially. Please advise us how to do this in the most painless way possible. Thank you. 

 

Response:

Of course, no two children are the same, and every situation is different. I will refer to “passive” and “active” factors with regard to your son’s possible reaction. In my vernacular, passive factors are those that simply exist within the situation. Your son’s temperament, his connection with kids in his class, his position in the social strata, friends outside of school, and friends in the 2nd grade are all passive factors. There are certainly others. These factors are important in that they can help you to understand your son’s position and ways in which he might react.

Active factors would relate largely to how you would act and react in order to achieve the best possible result. These include your demeaner and body language, what is discussed, and the nature of the discussion.

You are clearly concerned about your son’s reaction to the news. I wonder whether this is due to specific passive factors, like his entire social life being tied to his class in school or his general trouble adjusting to change. Or are you perhaps making assumptions based on your own concerns and fears?

I don’t think that you are asking for advice on how to discuss this with your son because you don’t know him and cannot predict his likely response. On the contrary, I’m sure that you know your son better than anyone else does. Perhaps you are asking for advice because of your fear that your son may be deeply hurt by the change and by his understanding of its implications. This may be hampering your ability to view the situation objectively, thus coming to the appropriate conclusion.

While I cannot tell you exactly how to approach your son, I can point out some things that may not be obvious to you. If you make assumptions based on your own perspectives, fears, and insecurities, there is a good possibility that your son will pick up on these. Even if he doesn’t accurately identify your concerns, he will likely get the sense that there is something about which to feel negatively. In fact, a negative feeling (like anxiety) that has unclear origins is likely to cause more significant consternation than a clearly defined concern.

Be aware of your own fears and try and separate these from what you actually know about your son and the situation. Once you are able to isolate actual concerns based on passive factors, you will be in a better position to make a logical well-considered decision.

Be aware of your own mood and the message that your words and body language transmit to your son. Emphasize the positive and help him to understand that the decision to change his grade is in no way a punishment or a failure.

Change can make kids feel insecure, so it is important to emphasize the fact that very little will change with regard to your son’s routine. He should understand that everything else in his life will remain the same. To this end, things like maintaining current friendships can be a part of the discussion.

Encourage an open dialogue so that your son feels safe discussing any concerns. Knowing that he does not need to deal with his emotions on his own can help him to feel more comfortable, and will create an atmosphere that can help to alleviate fears rather than allowing them to become exacerbated.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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