Dear Therapist:

I am worried that my daughter who just went to seminary is spending way too much time at her newly married sister's home. I think she is missing out on the full experience and the chance to make new friends. I am more concerned that it isn't good for my shana rishona couple to have someone in the house all the time. Both my daughters say that I am over reacting and it's not a big deal. I would appreciate your opinion and your suggestions and guidelines as to what is appropriate and what is not. Thank you 

Response:

It sounds like your concern relates to both your daughters’ lives. You are concerned with your single daughter’s social development and with your married daughter’s marital relationship. While I understand your concerns, I wonder to what degree you might be projecting your own beliefs, values, and experiences onto them.

Perhaps you have preconceived notions of what a marriage should look like—and perhaps your daughters do not share these beliefs. Maybe you have been negatively affected by the intrusion of others into your own marriage. Perhaps your social experiences are not appropriate for your daughters.

From a practical perspective, even if your concerns are valid, I wonder whether your involvement has any chance of changing things. If not, the only outcomes that you can expect are your own increased anxiety and perhaps strained relationships within the family.

We have all made mistakes. That is how we learned. The process of learning lessons on our own is what allows us to continue learning and working through life issues and decisions. If our lives had been scripted, with our parents helping us to avoid the need to make decisions and to learn lessons, we would not have the wealth of experiential knowledge, understanding, and wisdom that helps us to be successful and well-adjusted adults.

I certainly understand the reasons for your concern. Most parents want their children to avoid the difficulties that they have endured. However, it is important to recognize that dealing with difficulties is normal; being shielded from them is not. The former allows us to develop as individuals, while the latter has the capacity to stunt our emotional growth.

Of course, there are instances where the potential harm might outweigh the potential advantage of experiential learning, but it is essential to evaluate this carefully. The importance and necessity of working things through on our own should not be minimized.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

Disclaimer

The Contents Of This Blog, Including Text, Graphics, Images, And Other Material Are For Informational Purposes Only.  Nothing Contained In This Blog Is, Or Should Be Considered Or Used As, A Substitute For Professional Medical Or Mental Health Advice, Diagnosis, Or Treatment.  Never Disregard Medical Advice From Your Doctor Or Other Qualified Health Care Provider Or Delay Seeking It Because Of Something You Have Read On The Internet, Including On This Blog.  We Urge You To Seek The Advice Of Your Physician Or Other Qualified Health Professional With Any Questions You May Have Regarding A Medical Or Mental Health Condition.  In Case Of Emergency, Please Call Your Doctor Or 911 Immediately.  The Information Contained On Or Provided Through This Blog Is Provided On An "As Is" Basis, Without Any Warranty, Express Or Implied. Any Access To This Blog Is Voluntary And At Your Own Risk.