Dear Therapist:

I'm curious to hear what the panelists have to say about the following: What is the correct approach that a parent should take when a child expresses their embarrassment about their parents, their parents clothing, cars, house etc.... For example, my teenagers will say, "What you’re wearing is so outdated," "Our house is so messy," "Ma, you can't wear this," "Please pick me up from school in our nicer car" and things of that nature. Thank you.

Response:

Each situation is different. Factors like family dynamics and relationships, children’s ages and maturity levels, and many others will vary. Thus, the appropriate response to these (and other) comments will vary as well. I cannot lay out an exhaustive list of possible factors and combinations thereof, and cannot therefore identify proper responses to each. I will, however, make a few points that can help you to navigate these types of episodes.

When your child makes a disparaging comment, what is it that concerns you? Are you worried that their embarrassment will in some way harm them? To some degree, do you feel embarrassed yourself? In many cases, there is a combination of the two.

When we deal with two or more separate concerns that manifest in one emotional reaction, it can be difficult to discern to what extent we are reacting to which. What often occurs is that we consciously assign the entirety of our emotions to the most prominent (or the most obvious) issue.

For example, in your case you might be assuming that your emotional response is entirely related to your concern for your child. If, in fact, some of the emotion relates to your own discomfiture, this can confuse the issue in your mind. Additionally, your concern for your child may actually be a related to a few separate worries (development of appropriate values, social concerns, etc.), but you may be focusing on only one. While only a part of your emotions truly relates to your conscious concern, you have a multitude of fears driving your emotions. Therefore, you are trying to resolve what may be a relatively simple concern, but it feels much more complicated than it really is.  

It is important to identify the specific concerns that you have, and separate them in your mind. Then you can begin dealing with each one separately. You will likely find that these concerns, taken one at a time, seem less troubling and more easily resolved.

One way to separately identify specific issues is to ask yourself (and/or your children) what it is that bothers them. What are their fears or concerns? Ask yourself the same questions with regard to your own feelings. As you compartmentalize each concern, you may find that as you identify each question answers will begin to present themselves.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200

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