Parashah Vayetzei introduces us to the trickery of Lavan HaArami, a character who stands as a paradigm of deceit and selfishness. The dialogue between Lavan and Yaakov Avinu, starting with the words, “Just because you are my close relative, should you serve me for nothing? Tell me, what shall your wages be (Bereishit 29:15), opens a window into the complex dynamics between these two figures. At first glance, Lavan's words seem generous, offering payment for Yaakov's labor. But as the story unfolds, Lavan's true motives and schemes come to light, highlighting profound lessons about honesty, relationships, and divine justice. Lavan’s actions throughout the narrative demonstrate his manipulative nature and embody the psychological concept of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation aimed at making someone doubt their perception of reality. This behavior often occurs in personal relationships, workplaces, or families and can leave the victim feeling confused, powerless, and doubting their own sanity. Gaslighting typically involves repeated lies, contradictions, and subtle emotional manipulation to maintain control over the victim. Lavan masterfully twists situations to maintain control and power over Yaakov. His initial offer of payment appears kind, but it is a calculated move to ensnare Yaakov in a web of dependency and obligation. By deceiving Yaakov into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, Lavan not only exploited his trust but also attempted to rewrite reality to suit his purposes, forcing Yaakov to question his expectations and the truth of their agreement.
Despite Lavan’s schemes, Yaakov navigates these challenges with a remarkable blend of resilience, strategy, and faith. When Lavan confronts Yaakov with accusations after Yaakov leaves with his family, Yaakov responds with clarity and strength. He recounts his unwavering dedication and hard work during his years of service, stating, "These twenty years I have spent in your service your sheep and your she-goats have not miscarried... I myself made good the loss” (Bereishit 31:38–39). By presenting the facts and refusing to be drawn into Lavan’s attempts to distort reality, Yaakov dismantles Lavan's manipulative narrative.
This confrontation is a powerful example of how to address gaslighting: by remaining grounded in truth, asserting one’s perspective, and not allowing the manipulator’s version of events to dominate. Yaakov’s ability to maintain his integrity in the face of Lavan’s deceit serves as a timeless lesson in confronting dishonesty with unwavering honesty and faith.
According to HaRav Ovadia Yosef zt”l, Lavan’s cunning extended beyond deceiving Yaakov. He manipulated the entire town, convincing its people to entrust their valuables to him as a guarantee for Leah’s wedding. Lavan then used their valuables to procure food, leaving the people to pay the debts. This epitomizes why Lavan was called "Ha'Arami," a play on words denoting his identity as both an Aramean and a deceiver.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks zt”l emphasized that Lavan represents a more insidious threat than Pharaoh. The Haggadah juxtaposes the two, declaring that while Pharaoh sought to annihilate the Jewish males, Lavan's threat was aimed at undermining the spiritual and moral foundation of the Jewish people. Lavan’s gaslighting tactics—designed to erode Yaakov’s confidence and stability—are a stark reminder of the destructive power of emotional manipulation and dishonesty.
Yet, Yaakov’s triumph over Lavan is not merely a tale of survival but one of moral and spiritual victory. Despite the odds, Yaakov leaves Lavan’s house with his family intact, his wealth earned through divine providence, and his faith unshaken. His ability to confront manipulation and maintain his values underscores the importance of perseverance, truth, and trust in Hashem.
Three Tips for Dealing with Gaslighting in Our Lives:
- Ground Yourself in Truth: Like Yaakov, focus on the facts and document situations clearly. Keeping a journal or sharing your experiences with a trusted friend can help anchor your perspective and combat confusion.
- Set Boundaries: Refuse to engage in arguments that twist your words or reality. Calmly assert your boundaries and prioritize your emotional well-being by limiting exposure to manipulative behaviors.
- Seek Support: Gaslighting often thrives in isolation. Share your experiences with trusted loved one or therapist to gain clarity and validation for your feelings and perceptions.
As we reflect on Yaakov’s journey and his dealings with Lavan, we are reminded of the importance of clarity, integrity, and faith when facing deceit and challenges. Just as Yaakov stood firm against Lavan’s gaslighting, we too can overcome manipulation by staying rooted in truth and trusting in divine justice. May we all learn these valuable lessons from Yaacov, to strengthen our boundaries and ground ourselves in truth.
Elan Javanfard, M.A., L.M.F.T. is a Consulting Psychotherapist focused on behavioral health redesign, a Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University, & a lecturer related to Mindfulness, Evidence Based Practices, and Suicide Prevention. Elan is the author of Psycho-Spiritual Insights: Exploring Parasha & Psychology, weekly blog. He lives in Los Angeles Pico Robertson community with his wife and three children and can be reached at Elan.Javanfard@gmail.com.